My Dark Side and Journeying Towards Wholeness
Becoming a mom has been the greatest gift life has given me, and I guess I expected that. The surprise was it didn’t show up the way I thought it would. Becoming a mom introduced me more fully to my dark side.
I always had a sense that I was imperfect and wished to hide that from the rest of the world. Locked up with shame around not being who I thought I should be, I attempted to manage my world with the hope that somehow my value would be reflected back.
Bringing this desire to parenting I was devastated when my efforts to manage life with small children failed horribly. I was impatient, overwhelmed and admittedly grieving the loss of certain freedoms despite my unconditional love for them. I would never be the perfect mom I wanted to be. Drastic hormonal changes that suddenly ended my ability to nurse led me to experience depression and heightened anxiety. My pursuit to manage life was tireless and I burnt out.
What is important about sharing this? Why spend time here in the dark.
Society reminds us of the importance of gratitude, thinking positive and seeking happiness. I agree these are certainly important practices. So why indulge what is dark?
In the journey towards wholeness I learned nothing can be left behind. Human nature includes what is light and dark, what is conscious and unconscious. Dismissing or resisting what was unconscious or imperfect in me did not seem to make it go away. When I skipped over my dark side with the desire to remove it, I found myself in a life that was disconnected from what was true for me.
In this dark place there was a part of me I was afraid to look at, a girl that had something to say, that did not want to back down for the sake of being nice. She wanted to set the record straight, that while being female and a child her voice mattered, her boundaries exist and that certain things in life were unjust.
Admitting to shame and darkness is not about defeat. It is about grieving what has been lost or missing in our lives. It is about listening to our soul and inner wisdom and turning up the volume on truth.
As I choose to grow in life, I realized there are continual silent deaths of things to leave behind, things I need to grieve or else stay stagnant. This process includes both light and dark and why it takes fierce courage to grow.
It is about being with shame, anger and sadness enough to feel the wisdom behind it. Turning towards what we don’t like to bring awareness and healing here, for the sake of making space for something new.
I realize now that my kids don’t expect me to be perfect, but they do need me to be responsible and accountable in our lives together.
What is that wisdom that hides in your shadow?
The Co-Active coaching model and Hakomi therapeutic method are some ways to experience a safe place to explore. Interested in knowing more? Contact me at www.jennkozak.com for a free 30 minute curiosity session.